No More

I love my family and my nephew but lately he has gotten really bad with listening to me. I cannot handle much more. One more thing of bad news and I am going to flip. I have no nerves left and it seems like I am always irritable. No break from life and no break from all my duties is killing me. People say that they understand what I am going through but unless they are going through it also they have no idea. Everyone else has attitudes and I am going to blow up because they take everything out on me and I don't need anymore added stress. There is too much going on right now. I admit that somedays I take my attitude out on people and I don't mean to but they do not make it easy when they do it to me. If anyone looks at these blogs please comment on some. I am so irritable right now that every little thing bugs me. I am impatiant and just not a joy to be around right now and I know this. My family puts up with me and my ways and I know that. Kotah is the only person I do not take it out on and I think it is because he reminds me so much of his daddy that it sometimes makes me feel better and other times it makes it harder.

Not Okay

I am not sure what to think anymore. Most of the time Richard seems like the guy that I married and others it seems like I never met him before. He calls me and doesn't sound like he wants to talk to me. Other times he is excited to talk to me. I understand he is under stress and tired but so am I and I don't take it out on him. Tonight we talked and he got an attitude and blamed it one me that I started it when I didn't. I just don't understand him anymore and it is not a good thing. Today was a bad day already and that made it worse. I am under so much stress and never get a break from anything like when he was here. I miss him so much and he shows nothing. I knew it was going to be hard but you know I never thought that it would be this hard to be away from each other. I usually get a break once a week but not right now Kotah doesn't want to be away from me right now. I just don't understand. Nothing makes sence anymore and it seems like no one cares what I am going through. I love Richard so much I would do anything for him and he knows that. He is my life and I was blessed the day he came into my life just like when Kotah was born it completed our family and right now it just feels like a pieace is missing.You know everyone has there issues but Richard and I never had these many until it started getting closer to the day of him leaving. I put up a wall to keep the emotions out so that I could be strong for our son. And I am trying to build it higher and higher but it is getting no where. Seems like nothing is helping me out this deployment like the last time. Keeping busy does not even help anymore because everything makes me think of him. I just want the time to go faster so I can be in his arms and it is not happening. I don't think I can handle all this. I would never leave him in a million years but I feel like sometime and sometime soon something is going to happen and it will be the last thing to add to everything and make me having a breakdown.

Quality Time

Since Richard has been gone Dakotah has spent at least one day out of the week with his grandparents...Only once over night though but usually for 5 hours the other times. It is nice for them to spend time with him at least that is what I think anyways. They bought him all the essentials that he needs and he likes going over there. They are great people and I am glad I married into their family. Every family has there strong parts and they are always there for me when I need them or their help. They are great with Dakotah. Lately he has not been to sure about leaving me everytime Karen comes over to get him he starts throwing a fit and I don't understand why. Hopefully he gets better because I know they love getting him once in a while. I think that he is just having issues he has been through so much already in his life and it is a shame that he should have to go through it all.

Not Too Far Away

Even though he is not by our side, he is still close by. He is in our dreams, heart and soul and he means the world to us. It has been hard the last few days without him around. Dakotah will not sleep without one of his daddy's shirts in his crib with his scent on it. I know it is hard on all of us I wish it would never happen but it did. The thing that keeps me going is when I go into the stores and see all the Christmas stuff out already and it makes me realize that him coming home for 2 weeks is not all that far away even though it is somewhat. Everything that happens happens for a reason and sometimes it may be hard but the little things are what keeps you going in times like these. The little I Love You text messages, the pictures sent, the letters everything like that makes it a little easier. And every day that goes by just means one day closer to the day that he walks through the door and in his arms you go.

Pinned

Specialist Chase is officially Sergeant Chase as of today. I just wanted to write and tell how I feel. His family is so proud of him. "You are an inspiration to your son and my hero. You've been working so hard and it is all paying off. I cannot wait to see you when you come home for Christmas..." It may seem cheesy always writing here but it helps keep me at ease and lets everyone including Richard know what I am thinking. No one has ever treated me that way that he does. After I had our son and even now I feel so unattractive, Richard still to this day says that he loves me just the way that I am and that I have no need to change because I will never loose him. It helps me to know that everyone in his unit is working as a team and that they all have each others backs. I am going to say that I am looking forward for all the soldiers to come home safe and unharmed from Iraq. "Richard I love you with all my heart and everyday that goes by I fall deeper and deeper in love with you even though we are apart right now. It is hard to be away from you but you are close to my heart and it is just another thing that is making our marriage stronger and indistructable..."

Daddy

This may sound inpossible to some. But if you listen to your child even as young as my son is. You can hear that they do say words. Well this blog is about last night. Dakotah was really unhappy last night for some reason so I showed him a picture of him and Richard and he said as clear as day..."Daddy". I kid you not. A lot of people underestimate babies if they are under a year. But if you listen they have a lot to say. My son has been gibber gabbering since he was a month but it is getting clear that he knows what he is gibbering about and it is getting more clear to me. It is also getting clear to me that he is missing his daddy more and more everyday...

Only 2 Weeks

I cannot believe it has only been 2 weeks since my husband Specialist (Soon to be Sergeant) Chase has left for Mississippi. He has already been over to Iraq but it is harder this time. See we have a 3 month old son together. Dakotah Daniel Chase. It hurts so bad but I just need to remember that he is doing good for our country and making it safe for Dakotah. If anyone that is going through this for the first time don't hesitate to get ahold of me somehow and I can try to help you. Sometime I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown with all that is going on in my life right now. But then I have to be strong for our son and for him. That way he can focus on his work and come home to his family...Everyday that goes by I see more and more of Richard come out in Dakotah and it makes it a little easier while he is away.