Not Okay

I am not sure what to think anymore. Most of the time Richard seems like the guy that I married and others it seems like I never met him before. He calls me and doesn't sound like he wants to talk to me. Other times he is excited to talk to me. I understand he is under stress and tired but so am I and I don't take it out on him. Tonight we talked and he got an attitude and blamed it one me that I started it when I didn't. I just don't understand him anymore and it is not a good thing. Today was a bad day already and that made it worse. I am under so much stress and never get a break from anything like when he was here. I miss him so much and he shows nothing. I knew it was going to be hard but you know I never thought that it would be this hard to be away from each other. I usually get a break once a week but not right now Kotah doesn't want to be away from me right now. I just don't understand. Nothing makes sence anymore and it seems like no one cares what I am going through. I love Richard so much I would do anything for him and he knows that. He is my life and I was blessed the day he came into my life just like when Kotah was born it completed our family and right now it just feels like a pieace is missing.You know everyone has there issues but Richard and I never had these many until it started getting closer to the day of him leaving. I put up a wall to keep the emotions out so that I could be strong for our son. And I am trying to build it higher and higher but it is getting no where. Seems like nothing is helping me out this deployment like the last time. Keeping busy does not even help anymore because everything makes me think of him. I just want the time to go faster so I can be in his arms and it is not happening. I don't think I can handle all this. I would never leave him in a million years but I feel like sometime and sometime soon something is going to happen and it will be the last thing to add to everything and make me having a breakdown.